My Husband’s Hilarious Response to his Dad’s Email about a Facebook Status

My parents and siblings have never been involved in my social media.  I’m not sure if it’s the best thing ever or “OH MY GOD, DO I HAVE TO EMAIL YOU PICTURES?!  Didn’t you see my status update?”  I kid! I kid!  But I’ve married into a very media savvy family, so I’m always surprised when I get a comment on a picture asking “What was that restaurant you were at?”  And now I have to think about it before I write some horribly filthy comedy post or share one of my videos like “LAZY SEXUAL.” (oh, p.s. WATCH IT

I feel like I get off pretty easy though compared to my husband, who get EMAILS and phone calls from Dad (the Fodder in law – GET IT?!) inquiring about WHY he writes something.  You can tell Dad really disapproves of something when he emails Matt -“YOU’RE FUTURE EMPLOYERS MAY SEE THIS” to which Matt and I respond “We’d be stoked if someone cared that much about our facebook post.  WE WORK IN THE INTERNET…ah hem…Digital Media.”

Let me preface this by saying, Matt’s dad is left leaning and very well cultured, but also recently partially retired.  So I’m guessing Matt is a part of the new project list.

Now, usually, Matt will write something snarky back or just ignore his dad, but this time, he really went for it.  Below is in reference to the government shut down and Matt’s response, I thought, warranted some kind of award for dealing with your father.  Or at least a blog post.

On Wed, Oct 16, 2013 at 2:57 AM, Jay Johnson 
Subject: Re: Facebook Post- what does this mean??

Matt Johnson updated his status: “So after none of us can finance a trip to the super market- let alone a mortgage- we get to throw every self-identified Tea Party Republican into a Hunger Games style death match at the DC WWII memorial, right? I believe that’s a clause in the 14th Amendment. (What do I know? I’m just an ivy leaguer like Ted Cruz)”

Anatomy of a late night, inside baseball, news junkie joke:

“So after none of us can finance a trip to the super market- let alone a mortgage-” In the event of a government default on debt, the rise in interest rates would have an economy-wide impact, and as a result…

“we get to throw every self-identified Tea Party Republican into a Hunger Games style death match” – The people responsible for precipitating this unconstitutional act against our government ought to be tossed into a fight to the death against each other while the rest of the nation cheers the televised event, much in the style of a popular young adult book series that envisions a future dystopia where a centralized city-state dominates the surrounding states and uses this death match as a shared ritual sacrifice…

“at the DC WWII memorial,” – at the symbolic location the Tea Party has chosen as a rallying cry for what they think is important about the government, which is running tourist services, as opposed to feed women, infants and children in need.

“I believe that’s a clause in the 14th Amendment.” – Because there’s a clause in the 14th Amendment to the constitution that makes it unconstitutional to default on our debts that has been much in the news of late.

“(What do I know? I’m just an ivy leaguer like Ted Cruz)” – The junior senator from Texas, who is heavily associated with this Waterloo, is not only politically repellant but apparently personally repellant as well.  One of his notorious foibles is his incredible academic vanity – he did his undergrad at Princeton, and at Harvard Law School he refused to anyone who hadn’t gone to Harvard, Yale or Princeton – and actively dismissed the “Lesser Ivies” – Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth and Penn.  Publicly he has embraced a “know-nothing” persona for political reasons, and now he’s been proved to know nothing about Washington since he’s going to be associated with the last 3 weeks of wasting everyone’s time in the whole nation for nothing.

I just love my husband and his smarty pants ivy league sarcasm.

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Open Letter to An Open Letter

Open Letter to an Open Letter

Hey Open Letter,

Let me start by saying that I totally love you.  You’ve taught me everything from Steve Job’s feelings on music to Tommy Feens feelings about Linda Kesman (bitch!  Why did he take her to Prom?).

I just feel like recently, you’re whoring yourself for attention.  Even as I write this, I know that writing this is a form of prostitution.  Please try to tear yourself away from my words which hang like tits in your face for money.

I used to dream about writing you in high school about my feelings on recycling.  But, you know, that was a different time, before the Internet – so my good sense stopped just in time for me to not make a bunch of proclamations on shit which I knew jack about.

You’re worth more than this open letter!  Just think about all the thoughts that could be scribbled in a diary that no one can read.  The opinions that you could just keep to yourself.  Or the ideas you could bore your friends over a game of backgammon.  We KNOW you that you’ve been around for a long time. Who could forget J’Accuse and “An Open Letter to Larry the Cable Guy?”

I think it’s time you take a break and think about what you’re really worth. And don’t let whoever it is writing you to turn you into some under informed or over-informed tramp.  Do you hear me?  You’re a beautiful letter that doesn’t need to stoop to being open – like a hooker, streetwalker, floozy, slut with words.  You’re valued for more than your somewhat correct grammar.  Kindly refuse to be written for a while by anyone who seems mentally unstable or desperate or irrelevant or weird or awesome or not awesome.  Except Oprah.  I’d read anything she writes.   I must stop writing.  I feel dirty.


Kimmy Gatewood

P.S.  Terry Richardson is gross.

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George R. R. Martin Explains What You Need to Know for Season 3 of Game of Thrones

An exact transcript of George R. R. Martin’s defense of the nudity in Game of Thrones. No spoilers!



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Lazy Sexual – Kimmy Gatewood

Sometime the obligatory deed doing is just tiring.

And…I wrote this song BEFORE we got married, ladies, so don’t you worry about a thing.

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What is happeniiiing? Part 1

I suppose when you make such a bold choice as “My Boyfriend Tolerates Me” there are only three outcomes 1.  We continue to date forever and the name of the blog remains the same 2.  We break up and I delete everything and then regret deleting all of my clever thoughts and then hate him more for making me do it 3.  He asks me to marry him in the middle of a Christmas show, dressed in a sailor suit, I say “What is happening?” and we decide to get hitched.

Luckily for all of us, the third thing happened.  This is from December 12, 2011 and most of you have probably seen it.  But for those who haven’t – here it is!

Here are some additional facts you should know.  One, yes, we had been talking about getting married “one day.”  And to me that meant “one day we’ll sit down and talk logically about getting married, I’ll see it coming a million miles away, we’ll high five, forgo the expensive ring and I’ll wear a kitschy candy ring or something.”   Second, the snowflake, played here by the hilarious BJ Gallagher is normally played by Matt.  So when BJ came out, I though something went wrong with one of the cameras (we had a 5 camera shoot happening) OR Matt had broke his leg.  Either way, I figured I’d find out in 5 minutes when the show was over.  So imagine my surprise when Matt comes onto the stage and no one seems the LEAST BIT SHOCKED.

Here’s what went through my head – feel free to play along:

“Oh my god, he’s going to ask me to marry him.  No! Don’t think that, what if he doesn’t?  What is happening?  Why is no one saying anything about this?  Is this a prank?  We’re recording a live podcast!  Is this going to ruin the podcast?  Where did he get that sailor outfit from?  Oh my GOD is he askin me to marry him in front of all these people?  Why would he do that without consulting me first?  What is happening?  He’s on his knee.  This is really happening?  What is happening?  What am I supposed to say?  Put the ring on.  Are we supposed to end the show?  Why am I drinking champagne?  I still don’t know what is happening.  Am I doing the reprise?  What is happening?”

I think it went something like that.  Anyway, we’re very excited (yes WE) – and now, this blog officially changes over to the once in a lifetime time period between being two single people — to two single people who sign some paperwork.  All right — become one and tolerate each other for the rest of our lives.

Part 2 is coming which is the intolerable post reaction poor Matt had to suffer through.

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“Lazy Sexual” – New Song!

Kimmy Gatewood “Lazy Sexual” from CleftClips on Vimeo.

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The rapture came and took Matts beard!!!


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